Looking to Nowhere but Here

For the past two years now I have blogged about my thoughts on the year gone by and the year ahead. In 2001, I called it "A Look Back" and in 2002, I called it "Don't Look Back." This year I've chosen a title that reflects my feelings of the moment. (I'm noticing a theme here.)

People who've known me for any length of time would hardly recognize me these days. Gone is the very overly serious looking, precisely parted haircut. I've had a goatee since August, sideburns for the first time in my life, and my last haircut cost me $50, not $8.99. I have always been a clothes horse, but my labels are from Diesel and Hugo Boss now, not Brooks Brothers and Polo. I have found comfort in my own skin. I actually look and feel 28 instead of 48.

I have always been someone that measured success in terms of professional accomplishments. If you were to ask me to tell you a little bit about myself I would start off by talking about the clients I've worked with, where I've been quoted, and perhaps do a little name dropping. Some events in my personal life this year finally made me realize how little all of those things really matter.

hotels LissabonThis past year I have done more than ever before to achieve some personal accomplishments. Personal growth has become more important than professional growth. I have had to face some issues that have hounded me all my life, and I know that I am a better person for it. I'm not talking about an addition to crack cocaine or a bunch of six-syllable psychological disorders.

What I'm talking about are the sometimes unsavory personality traits that we all have. Some people have short tempers. Some people torture small animals. Some people can only focus on the negative. I have some issues about me as a person, and have struggled being comfortable just being me for most of my life. I have come to realize that these are terrible traits to have in a personal relationship.

I have been with the most beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated, and captivating woman I have ever known for the past eight years of my life. We met in college when we were both working summer orientation at Indiana University. The day we first met she told a friend that she had met the man she was going to marry. Her prediction came to fruition on March 15th, 2000. Over the years we've been through good and bad together. From my high-highs and low-lows during the Internet bubble years to her all-consuming time in medical school.

hotels LiverpoolWe both have had to pay a high price for the lives we live today. And for most of this past year we have both struggled with buyer's remorse. My 20s were spent working long hours and learning some very tough lessons about the world. Most of her 20s were spent studying, studying, and working criminally insane hours in a hospital. And that has left us both questioning a lot of things in life, including our relationship together.

From working on our issues individually and together the past couple of months I've found some answers. (Though I still have many unanswered ones as well.) I realize that everyone out there is screwed up, to one degree or another. We all have our quirks, our moments, our strengths and weaknesses, and our pasts following us around. I guess that's what makes us individuals, not carbon copies.

Faro accommodationI also know that most people never really change a lot of these behaviors. They give up. They crawl into a space in their head and shut the door. But my entire life I've fought to overcome obstacles set before me, and now that I know what those obstacles are I don't think anything can stop me. That sounds overly optimistic and naive, and I'm sure life will knock me on my ass along the way. But I have come to learn that the view from the top of the mountain isn't worth it if there is no one to share the view with.

I can only hope it's not too late.